Each woman who participated in the Lesbians &
Breast Cancer
Research Project was asked if she wished to write a brief profile to introduce
herself to readers of the report, and to speak directly to other lesbians
diagnosed with breast or gynecological cancer. Here are the profiles we
received, with appreciation to the women who wrote them, and, again, to
each woman who participated in this research.
~
PAULINE
She is a warrior named Glenda. She is originally from Halifax, Nova Scotia, is a silvered hair lesbian, mother of four adult children, gushing granny and living with the struggles of poverty and cancer.
On a rainy day in November 11, 1998. Just before leaving my home I took one last look at my breasts and said to myself in a whisper, “the old gals aren’t as pretty and firm as they used to be but they are healthy.” So I headed off for my mammogram. After the mammogram was finished I was told not to get dressed, there was something suspicious showing. I was being told I had to have an ultrasound. So I had the ultra sound. I was told by my doctor to come directly to her office. She already had the news by the time I got there. I was given a piece of news that would change my life completely. I was given a new road on this journey that I have been taking and I did not know where it was going to take me. This route was one no woman wants to walk.
The voice said, “you have cancer!” My doctor put her arms around me as I started to cry. My heart broke on that day of the news. I am mature enough to know each choice I make has a consequence. This was not a choice I was making for myself. I DID NOT INVITE CANCER INTO MY BODY AND I DID NOT WANT IT THERE.
So what do you do when it is not your choice?
I did the very best I could with what I had available to me. When what I needed was not available I used my gift of being creative. So the journey of the unknown began. To be honest it was a very lonely and fearful road. I had very little support almost no lesbian support. This journey has turned into one of many different directions. Now at my five year celebration of life, I can look back and validate myself for being the warrior I am.
I have great respect and gratitude to the team of the Lesbians and Breast Cancer Project for not giving up on this project and pushing through. Thanks to the team for giving me the space to tell my story, the story of a lesbian with breast cancer. You witnessed my truth and you sat with me in my pain. For the first time I was acknowledged for whom I was a poor lesbian who suffered tremendously not only because I was poor but also I was lesbian with breast cancer. Thank you for giving the space to find my voice as a very proud lesbian.
Just to add a little bit more on my herstory. Today is International Women’s Day. I always seem to be waiting for news. Today the news is different. Healthy news I have been waiting five years for this news, I am having
mixed feelings excitement, fear and guilt. I am being discharged from Princess Margaret Hospital. My journey at PMH is over. It is time to celebrate my five-year celebration of life. As Gilda Radner said, “it is always something”. What to do and where to go. Life after cancer."
~
GLENDA
An intruder that was not invited to the party but picked me half way through the dance. We got down and boogied right away in a frenzy of surgery, losing a part of my soul, my breast, chemo and now we are slow
dancing.
I am fierce women who jumped out of planes for fun, and at the same time looked to the world in childlike wonder. Who rode horses in Jamaica and jumped over fallen trees in the warm sun. A woman who loves nature,
animals and people and sometimes in that precise order.
The intruder has ravished my body and my mind, when I was just ready to enjoy the fruits of my labour. On one hand I appear to all who worry about me, as the brave one, who knocked down the intruder and on the other -only stepping gingerly through life with a keen heightened sacred awareness that the intruder may want to dance with me again.
It is harder than you know. "
~
LAURA
~
SARAH
Toronto with her partner, step-children, friends and family. She works as a social worker in the hospital system in which she was treated. Much of her work has been in the area of violence and trauma – this has helped her get
through some hard times with the cancer – at the same time she suspects to some degree this work has worn her. She currently does volunteer work with women with cancer, draws and writes a lot. ”
~
KATE
over three years, I was in remission by age 35. After genetic testing was done, I was found to carry the BRCA 2 gene for breast cancer due to my cross European background; my grandmother being a French Jew. During a
routine mammogram, the doctor found four lumps; two in each breast. An ultrasound and biopsy was done that day showing a lumpectomy should be completed within two days. After the lumpectomy it was confirmed that I
had four cancerous tumours. A double mastectomy was performed with a follow-up of radiation and chemo-therapy. The cancer has metastasized to my colon. I am currently undergoing treatment for this. However, I would like to emphasize that the cancer does not define who I am. Who I am is defined by my partner of ten years, my family, my friends and my life’s journey. This is what happened to me! It strengthened me, taught me valuable life experiences and with each day I learned and grew both emotionally and spiritually. What a test of the human spirit!!! I hope that my journey will help other women never lose hope.”
~
THERESA
Having lived so long, she, of course, has had and still has many lives. She has been and still is a teacher. She has been and still is in love with drama and the theatre. She has seen as much theatre as she can afford, she has
acted, she has directed and she has been lucky enough to teach drama. She has always loved water, travelling on it and swimming in it. She has always loved reading. For years she has practised yoga, and now teaches several yoga classes.
Liz is a lesbian, but did not understand and acknowledge this even to herself for a very long time. Back in the late 1940s she fell in love with a girl. It ended very nastily. They were found out. They were reviled, ostracised by their peers, spoken to in anger and horror by those who had authority over them, separated and forbidden see each other. Liz was told that she was not really wicked – that she would one day meet a young man, fall in love, get married and have children. She did all those things. Liz stayed married a very long time - had four children - took on the new role of Mother, which she can never, never regret. And then I met this woman. WoW. I remember the morning after thinking, "At last I know who I am! I can speak with my own voice. At last I am "I". I am a lesbian - I will always be a lesbian - I love being a lesbian." I left my husband and lived with my lover. We were happy, but she was dying of breast cancer and all too soon she did. Then I too got
breast cancer. Sad, bad times.
When I was invited to join this project I was overwhelmed - so proud. I believe this project to be so important. Meeting with the other women, feeling involved, has given me such a feeling of strength, such solidarity, such support.”
~
LIZ
fragrances that surround you. Look at life the way you would if you snuggled a kitten close to your face and looked it in the eyes when it cried. Don't wait for a challenge, go after one. You still have lots of time to try one more adventure. Never give up on what you believe in; never back down from what you don't. Always have faith and trust in life and cures. Never give up on life, especially yours. Now kiss the kitten and remember how good it feels.”
~
JACQUIE
“Jump into the chemo river!” the medical system shouted.
“No thanks,’ I replied.
Every day I went to the forest with my dog to my prayer rock. (It looks like an upside down shoe - the sole/soul rock). It’s here that I asked the goddess for guidance. She sent me many wonderful people and products and other guides to help on my new journey. Two angels she sent, told me about a product which has saved my life. Now she has allowed me to be part of a Lesbian Breast Cancer Project which could lead to further initiatives to help others. Who knows where the journey goes now. I feel so blessed.”
~
LOU
Looking back on this experience today, I have trouble believing that I, the ‘tough, outspoken, political dyke’ could have let myself agree to this procedure without demanding information and discussion that would have let me make an informed decision. Years later as an HIV/AIDS counsellor in the 80’s and 90’s, I made it my business to ensure that none of my clients got treated disrespectfully. And having had ‘the big C’ myself, I could empathize with their experience of being diagnosed with ‘the big A’. I feel that I was able to turn around a very scary and horrible experience and, in fact, be a very effective counsellor and advocate as a result of it.
The impact of cervical cancer on my relationships was HUGE. For years, my cervix became a ‘temple’ that no one could touch. I felt diseased and dirty and, of course, also believed that the cancer would come back, spread throughout my body and kill me. For a number of years, I continued to have ‘bad’ pap smears and be thrown right back into a fear place. It was only through time and with the support of friends and lovers that I was able to move through these experiences and reclaim the upbeat and optimistic gal that I always was underneath.”
~
MARIE
When it felt at times like the heart-breaking series of events would never end, like many other people, I had the common thought that death might be less painful than life. But when faced with my own potential death, my
overwhelming response was: "Not yet! I'm not finished with you yet!" It became crystal clear then that there were too many things I had left to do, and see, and live for. This realization was important, because it has helped me to live every day with a renewed sense of purpose, discovery, and gratitude.
Having breast cancer has forever and unalterably changed my life. The good news is, in most respects, it has changed for the better (many people cannot get their heads around this concept, but I understand it implicitly). My spirituality, which has always been there but never fully expressed, made a strong emergence. It has led me to many good places, and has been a constant companion since. Maintaining a feeling of gratefulness as part of an overall "good attitude"-- including as much compassion and empathy for others as I can muster on any given day--has done me (and others, I suspect) nothing but good. Frustration and anger is now, for the most part, a waste of a good moment, but I still let myself feel it when it happens. I have learned more to "go with the flow" and to be grateful for small things.
I consider breast cancer to be a modern-day plague on women, and very much believe that there are serious environmental carcinogens which are major factors in the development of breast cancer. A strong believer in naturopathy and alternative therapies, I've gone from not being a pill-popper, to maintaining a shoebox full of vitamins. I now try not to eat like I'm being monitored by some scientist--you can start to go a little "bananas" (pardon the pun), eating fruit till you think you'll gag, and counting servings of vegetables in your sleep.
I mourn the loss of all the women who were not as fortunate as I am, including my mother. I send healing energy and support to all those newly diagnosed, in the midst of their treatment, or in the post-treatment period. And to the Lesbians and Breast Cancer Project personnel, thanks for all your work, and for letting me be part of this great project.”
~
JANN
lived for the past several years. Jessica is special to me because like me, she needed mending. Also like me, that "mending" was done with love and care and now she is all the better for it.
My first breast cancer diagnosis came at age 31. I was diagnosed at Stage 4 and told I had a 10% chance of surviving for five years. Through spiritual guidance from books by Bernie Siegel and Edgar Cayce, traditional
and complementary therapies, I gathered and utilized all my resources and won my battle against this dreaded disease. I was again diagnosed with a different breast cancer seven years later. Although much less invasive, I still had to gather all my strength, all my available therapies and again wage war on what was attacking my body. I was again successful. Unfortunately my mother was not. She died of breast cancer this year.
Hopefully the fruits of this project will help bring us together so that as women, as lesbians we can share our knowledge and our strength to help each other deal with this disease.”
~JESSICA
